You are kind of an asshole
by Cereal-Killa
Summary: But I love ya anyways, so who cares? Brain dumpage. Big fat old D/C drabble collection.
1. party pooper

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| brain dumpage will happen here. requests accepted. and thoughts are dutifully noted. don't expect much. they're drabbles. they're short. they ain't some big, epic tale. it's just everything that won't leave me alone so i just write it down here! mostly duncanxcourtney but who knows? ;)

love muffins go to anyone who hits that pretty little button called review.~

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><p><strong><span>:::1- party pooper:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney was a real piss at parties.<p>

Duncan knew this. He had known since long before they had been together that Courtney was a real party pooper, if it wasn't obvious enough.

So that might explain why he didn't tell her about his party.

Do you know what it's like, having your own boyfriend fail to tell you about his own party?

Courtney does.

And she must say, it's awful embarrassing.

"What an asshole!" Courtney said as she walked in with Bridgette. Thankfully, Bridgette had come clean to her about the secret party and Courtney was, to say the least, shocked. She thought if anything, Duncan would want her here to be the perfect trophy date.

Bridgette shook her head. "He doesn't want a trophy date... he wants to get drunk, high, and party..."

So Courtney was gonna give him what he asked for.

Duncan felt the blood drain from his face as he stared at Courtney, who was at the moment, slowly lifting up her shirt on his parents dining room table as guys stood around and threw money and pulled out their camera phones. She had the biggest shit eating grin on her face and was singing 'What's Love Got to do with it' at the top of her lungs.

"Courtney, get the fuck down from there!"

A real piss at a party, indeed.

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	2. odd inspiration

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to_ edwardandbella4evah, HATERS CAN'T SEE ME, lemon1110, MusicLover78901, randomzchicka, _and_ The Voices Talk to Me _for the kick ass reviews!

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><p><strong><span>:::2- odd inspiration:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney was panicking. In less than three hours, her final draft for the school paper was due, and well, she'd done a whole article in less time, if we're being honest.<p>

But that was kind of hard to do if you didn't have any clue what to write about!

Duncan walked into the room, passing by a fuming Courtney and taking refuge at the small mini fridge by her bed. "Want a coke?"

Courtney scoffed. "No way, you know I don't do caffeine!"

He snorted and tossed her a water bottle, mumbling about bitchy princesses and their ways.

He was rather red in the face the next day when he picked up a copy of the school paper and saw the head line- _Does caffeine increase stupidity?_

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	3. listening to orders

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to_ randomzchicka, The Voices Talk to Me, TD Sierra and Courtney, MusicLuver78901, lemon1110 _and _Alexex _for the awesome reviews! I'll respond to them all in the morning... it's 11:00 here and I'm ready to pass out!

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><p><strong><span>:::3- listening to orders:::<span>**

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><p>"Duncan."<p>

"Huh?"

"Did you hear anything of what I just said?"

"..."

"Exactly. That's what I thought. Hey, how about you try not being a total dumbass for a few seconds?"

"Princess, stop being such a bitch."

"...Excuse me? Who do you think you're talking too?"

"A bitch."

"Do I look like a dog in anyway, Duncan?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck me?"

"No, I mean-"

"Right now?"

"Huh? No, what I meant was-"

"Sounds good."

"No, wait, Duncan, back up, what are you doing?"

"I'm just _listening_ to what you tell me to do, sunshine~"

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	4. the cow goes moo

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, Kick Me Awake, PrettyAmethystPrincess, MusicLuver78901, _and _Hater's can't see me () _for the great reviews! I am really glad everyone enjoys this fic, it's rather short but I really do put my heart into it, haha :)

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><p><strong><span>:::4- the cow goes moo:::<span>**

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><p>"Why won't you set DJ up on a blind date with Sadie?" Courtney asked. She had promised her new boss a double date, and a double date she would get. "She just needs some more friends... apparently, moving away from her old best friend was hard, apparently, and as soon as she brought it up I just... I knew I had to take what chance to kiss up I could get."<p>

Duncan sighed. "I'm not doing that to DJ." He said, clicking the remote and browsing through channels. There was never anything good on TV anymore.

"What do you mean?" Courtney turned to him, giving him a raised brow.

"Oh I've seen your boss princess."

"...And what are you trying to say?"

"Oh... nothing..." Duncan said, his bland look fading into his signature smirk. "Nothing except 'moo'."

He wasn't really all that surprised to find the TV remote making contact with a part of his anatomy where the sun didn't shine.

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	5. superman that hoe

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, Kick Me Awake, DramaRose13, MusicLuver78901, The Voices Talk to Me, _and _lemon1110 _for the reviews! I know I totally missed a day but I didn't even come home last night so I didn't get the chance... it's way early in the morning here now though, so I hope this makes up for it!

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><p><strong><span>:::5- superman that hoe:::<span>**

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><p>Duncan really did love music. Country, scream, alternative, even pop sometimes. So what if it was 'mainstream'? If it let his shake his ass and had a decent beat, why not?<p>

It was actually pretty funny that Courtney didn't know how to do any type of dance.

So far, senior prom had consisted of Duncan teaching her how to Cat Daddy, Wobble, and Dougie. He even had to teach her how to 1 2 Step... I mean who doesn't know how to do that? It was like, from 2005. Seriously.

Anyway, Courtney was actually pretty good, once she got the hang of things.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

"What's this song?" Duncan shook his head. Courtney was sort of a dork. A hot dork, but still.

"It's 'Crank Dat Soulja Boy'. You know, Soulja Boy, a disgrace to R&B?" When she showed no prior knowledge, he sighed. "It's actually pretty easy."

And then he was showing her how to superman and they were done. Courtney danced better than he did, really, like he was going to admit it though. "Hey Duncan?"

"Yeah Princess?"

"What does 'Superman that hoe' mean?"

Duncan visibly paled.

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(a/n: Ahhh, Soulja Boy is okay. Alex hates him though... AND lol, urban dictionary that, though I think most people know what it is... ;) It's nasty, just a warning. -we don't superman no more, we just spiderman that hoe~ (that's pretty gross too...))


	6. in his pants, duh

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _edwardandbella4evah, MusicLuver78901, HATERS CAN'T SEE ME, randomzchicka, _and _Kick Me Awake _for the butt kicking reviews! Lol, and randomzchicka, here you go, the second one today, just as promised! ;)

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><p><strong><span>:::6- in his pants, duh:::<span>**

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><p>"I have a question." Courtney said from her spot on the couch across from Duncan.<p>

"Yeah?" He lifted his eyes from his video game, putting it on pause. Courtney had her magazine folded in her lap, eyes wide.

She blushed. "It's a bit personal."

Duncan shrugged. "We're married, Princess, be as personal as you want."

"Alright..." She started, then blushed harder, if that was even possible at this point. "Where exactly is your penis?"

He blinked. "...In my pants...?"

She sighed. "Yeah, I get that, but like, where does it sit...? I've seen it before, do you, just tuck it to the side or something?"

"Um..."

"Just tell me! It's pretty big so I know it must take a lot! You wear pretty tight pants too! It's like you're Houdini!"

Only Courtney could make a compliment so uncomfortable...

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	7. all natural

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, MusicLuver78901, _and _The Voices Talk to Me_ for the awesome reviews! You three have all reviewed for every chapter so far, which I really appreciate, so if you guys want any requests, please feel free to toss them at me! :) Also, thanks everyone for just the really sweet reviews. All of them have been a joy to read and I'm going to respond to them as soon as I post this!

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><p><strong><span>:::7- all natural:::<span>**

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><p>"So..."<p>

"So?"

"Do you think..."

"Yeah?"

"We'll, Harold has red hair, right?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"You've pulled his pants down before?"

"Huh?"

"You know, when you're bullying him!"

"Um... yeah. I guess."

"Okay, so..."

"Yes, what's the point?"

"...You think his pubes are that color?"

"..."

"Do you?"

"I was so done with this conversation like twenty seconds ago."

"Come on, Duncan! I wanna know if LaShawnna enjoys a fire crotch!"

"JESUS COURTNEY, stop it!"

"...Do you have green pubes?"

"ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW."

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	8. she really knows how to pick 'em

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _lemon1110, MusicLuver78901, randomzchicka, Hater's can't see me (), Kick Me Awake, The Voices Talk to Me, Desjanae, Lady of Liebe, _and _TD Sierra and Courtney _for the wondiferic reviews! Sadly enough I have the worst headache but for some reason this was the only thing I could think of! lol. I have a guy in my English class who I refuse to let borrow my pencil to because of... well, you'll get it when you read it. ;)

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><p><strong><span>:::8- she really knows how to pick 'em:::<span>**

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><p>"So Princess, why did you just now agree to go on a date with me?" Duncan asked, a loose grip on the steering wheel in front of him.<p>

Courtney shrugged. "I don't know..." She felt her face go red.

"Oh come on," Duncan argued. "You ignore my advances for like, four years, and then you're going to sit here and say that you don't know? What was I doing wrong Princess?"

"It's not that..."

"Well then, what was it?'

Courtney scowled at him. "When we were in third grade, I saw you picking your nose!"

The car went quiet.

"...Really? THAT'S WHY?"

"That is horrible hygiene, you ogre."

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	9. ruined the moment

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, lemon1110, Hater's can't see me, Ariel, The Voices Talk to Me, MusicLuver78901, _and _Iluvepurpleandblack99 _for the freaking awesome reviews! This one is sort of short (lol aren't they all?), and I basically got it because I got in a discussion about major _turn-offs _and this was my number 7, haha! Anyway, I would respond to all the reviews and everything but it's 10:37 and I've got to do my biology homework :( So I shall do that tomorrow! :)

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><p><strong><span>:::9- ruined the moment:::<span>**

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><p>"You know what would make this night even more special?" Courtney spoke softly as she shifted on the bed, making the rose petals fall slowly to floor.<p>

The scented candles were the only light shining in Duncan's bright teal eyes, his gaze never wavering from her own as skin met skin.

He whispered, "What?"

Courtney narrowed her eyes. "If we had more room, maybe?" She growled, pushing Duncan off of her and leaping off of the twin sized bed. "Stop trying to fuck me on the same thing you slept on in grade school, asshole!"

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	10. comfort food

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _Iluvpurpleandblack99, The Voices Talk to Me, Kick Me Awake, MusicLuver78901, Courtney (), randomzchicka, Arianna Veals, Lady of Liebe, lemon1110, _and _demigodgirl1000 _for the butt-kicking reviews! I know I said I would respond to the reviews tonight, but honestly, I'm not in the mood... my friend was a total bitch to me today and decided to spread rumors about me all day, so life is great! (ugh, stupid little high school bastards -.-) Haha, forgetting that, I got my hair cut! So yay! Also, this one is inspired by my love for slim jims. YUP. Those things are the bomb-diggety. :)

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><p><strong><span>:::10- comfort food:::<span>**

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><p>Geoff smiled widely at Duncan. "Dude, this chunky monkey ice cream is the shit!"<p>

Duncan poked his head around the corner. "What?" He said, carving on a piece of wood.

"I said this chunky monkey ice cream is the bomb-diggity. You and Courtney have the best food, I swear."

Duncan dropped the wood. "Chunky monkey?"

Geoff stared. "Yeah... so...?"

"_That's Courtney's ice cream_! And it's her time of the month, dude!"

Geoff continued eating as though nothing had happened while Duncan grabbed his keys in an effort to hurry and get some more chunky monkey.

But it was just his luck that Courtney would choose that moment to walk up the drive-way. And yeah, she looked pissed as hell. Her period must have hit her hard.

_Omigawd I'm so screwed!..._

So Duncan simply decided to take refuge in a bush, and didn't feel one ounce of regret when he heard Geoff screaming upon Courtney's arrival.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead. Duncan had already learned his lesson about chunky monkey a long time ago.

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	11. damn that autocorrect

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, demigodgirl1000, Ariel (), Kick Me Awake, Lemon1110, MusicLuver78901, The Voices Talk to Me, Iluvpurpleandblack99, Clamanter, _and _Spliced-up-Angel _for the badass reviews! Fair warning: I won't be on Friday, Saturday or Sunday so I'll update twice on Monday, Twice on Tuesday, and twice on Wednesday...? Hope that works!

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><p><strong><span>:::11- damn that autocorrect:::<span>**

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><p><em>from Courtney's iPhone: Duncan... can i ask u something?<em>

_from Duncan's iPhone: anything babe_

_from Courtney's iPhone: well..._

_from Duncan's iPhone: yeah?_

_from Courtney's iPhone : i'm pregnant_

_from Duncan's iPhone : damn that autocorrect, am I right_

_from Courtney's iPhone : what autocorrect...?_

_from Duncan's iPhone : :O oh shit_

_from Courtney's iPhone : excuse me?_

_from Duncan's iPhone : um... it was the damn autocorrect?_

_from Courtney's iPhone : for your sake, you'd better hope it was _

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	12. chocolate is awesome

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _Kick Me Awake, randomzchicka, demigodgirl1000, lemon1110, MusicLuver78901, Lady of Liebe, _and _The Voices Talk to Me _for the great reviews! I have also worked out my schedule! Two chapters tomorrow, two on Wednesday, and two Thursday! And that should make up for my leave of absence! Bahahaha! Also, I am so freaking pooped right now. And ya know what sounds good? Some mother effing chocolate *yum*

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><p><strong><span>:::12- chocolate is awesome:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney sat down on the couch, curling up in her blanket beside Duncan. She smiled, handing him a mug of hot chocolate. "Here. It's my own recipe, I hope you like it..." She blushed lightly.<p>

Duncan smirked, taking a swig. He smiled and shot her a warm gaze. "Tastes like it was dipped straight out of Willy Wonka's river."

Que the awkward silence.

"...Why are you so weird?"

"What? That was an awesome analogy!"

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	13. i prefer carmex

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _demigodgirl1000, randomzchicka, Spliced-up-Angel, Iluvpurpleandblack99, MusicLuver78901, _and _Kick Me Awake _for the super sweet reviews! And extra special thanks to _demigodgirl1000 _and _edwardandbella4evah _for informing me about the missing chapter *sweatdrops* Really sorry about that one. Guess FF is a bitch sometimes, huh? Anyway, this is what Alex's girlfriend once told him. I found it freaking hilarious. :)

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><p><strong><span>:::13- i prefer carmex:::<span>**

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><p>Duncan could remember many things about his first kiss with Courtney.<p>

It was in the rain in the middle of a hot summer. The droplets had littered her cheeks and just that moment, looking at her small smile, her perfectly dark eyes, he couldn't help himself.

He had leaned in and tasted ketchup from the fries she had eaten earlier and something else that was distinctly Courtney. Her hair was soft in his hands, a whimper at the back of her throat. And then, as they had broken away for air, Courtney had said, breathlessly,

"Dear God, you're lips are chapped."

And now Duncan carried around Blistex along with his pocket knife.

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	14. f my life, dude

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, demigodgirl1000, lemon1110, Hater's can't see me (), Iluvepurpleandblack99, MusicLuver78901, Kick Me Awake, _and _DramaRose13 _for the good old reviews! So, I was just on this damn site and laughing my ass off, so I just could not get it out of my head. BTW, my back hurts sooooo bad. :(

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><p><strong><span>:::14- f my life, dude:::<span>**

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><p>on fmylife(dot)com:<p>

_Today, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to motorboat me not because he liked my tits, but because I would probably giggle when his green Mohawk hairs tickled my breasts. FML_

_Today, my girlfriend wouldn't let me motorboat her because she instead had more fun things to do, such as alphabetizing her closet. FML_

_Today, my best friend's girlfriend beat my ass over some chunky monkey ice cream. FML _

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	15. sweet turns sour

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _lemon1110, randomzchicka, demigodgirl1000, _and _Iluvpurpleandblack99 _for the bitching reviews! My throat is super icky and it's 6:30 in the morning so I'm a bit of a piss to be around right now :( But, don't fret! Another chapter should be up later this evening! Then my debts will be paid off and I won't have to write two a day anymore! Now I'm going back to sleep *is dead*

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><p><strong><span>:::15- sweet turns sour:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney jumped off the counter top. "WHOOO HOO PAR-TAYYY! Let's go get drunk, Duncan, yeah~!"<p>

"Princess, what the hell, stop it!" Duncan tried to catch her, but considering that she was going at the speed of a race car there was obviously no way to stop her. She was like the freaking road runner.

He ran to their room, only to find Courtney jumping on the bed and knocking things off their shelves. "WHOO! HELL YEAH, MOTHER FUCKERS! ME AND DUNCAN 'BOUT TO BE UP IN THIS BITCH ALL NIGHT LOOOOOONG!"

And that was the end of it. Never again would Duncan ever give Courtney pixie sticks.

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	16. well that stinks

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, demigodgirl1000, MusicLuver78901, icarlyfanatic101 (), lemon1110, Hater's can't see me () _and _The Voices Talk to Me_ for the butt-kickin' reviews! Definitely tired, just got done with a rp that went on for like four hours so my back hurts from being all hunched over the computer, lol. Anyway, this happened to me today. It sucked. You should have seen the look on my sister's face o.o

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><p><strong><span>:::16- well that stinks:::<span>**

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><p>Duncan sighed. This was just his luck.<p>

He didn't mind making Courtney mad. She did it every day, stormed out of the house only to be back an hour later. Of course, right now, he could really use some help.

"Princess?" Duncan called. No response.

He slumped on the toilet.

He really should have checked if there was toilet paper_ before_ he decided to take a dump.

Clicking his tongue, he looked around. Nothing under the sink, nothing in the cabinet, shit... literally, a part of him joked.

But this was no time for jokes! He needed some TP, and pronto.

There was some in the hall closet, but...

And that's how Courtney came home to find Duncan, with his pants around his ankles as he rummaged through the hall closet. "Duncan, please, wipe your ass..."

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	17. i told ya so

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| Thanks to _randomzchicka, demigodgirl1000, MusicLuver78901, _and _iluvpurpleandblack99 _for the sweet reviews! I would say something but I'm about to be late for school~ So bye!

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><p><strong><span>:::17- i told ya so:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney flipped through a bridal magazine. "So, Duncan, when we get married-"<p>

"Princess." Duncan snapped. "We've been going out for a week. Calm yourself."

Ignoring him, she continued. "When we get married, you had better not shove the cake in my face, or I'll cut off your balls during our honeymoon."

Duncan stared at her, mildly disturbed. "The hell are you talking about?"

"Just thought I'd lay down some ground rules. I'm telling you this now, because it's useful information you'll need later."

And four years from then, when Duncan did shove cake in her face, he had one hell of a honeymoon...

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	18. partyin' with da boizzzz

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| _Hi, all! My sis asked me to simply post this really quickly for her so that's what I'm doing. She says she'll get back to you all on the reviews and make sure to keep posting. Actually, she's sitting right beside me on this couch right now and damn is she passed out. She's drooling and everything! Back to the whole me posting and shiz. You guys don't even realize how organized she is. I mean, she already had this whole chapter written out and everything, even a little note at the bottom all typed up! By the way, she's got a D in Algebra 2._

_Whoohoo! I embarrassed her. My job is done._

_-Dave_

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><p><strong><span>:::18- partyin' with da boizzzz:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney hated it when Duncan was hung over. He was the worst drunk she had ever seen, and an even crankier morning person. Combine the two, and shit was bound to hit the fan.<p>

Duncan walked in the room, mumbling about bad his head hurt and something about Geoff's toenails... Courtney sighed, drinking some of her coffee. "Where the hell were you last night, anyway? You just texted me saying 'PARTYING WITH DA BOIZZZ' and then you showed up at 2 am looking busted."

He rubbed his head. "Shh, Princess, too loud..."

"Where the hell were you?" She repeated, more sternly this time.

Duncan shrugged, flopping in the chair. "Like I know... it was yellow... and... and it was cool and stuff and... yeah..."

Courtney sighed. God, he was such an idiot. "It was yellow?"

"No... maybe it was puple... oh yeah... and there were monkey's... and PONIES."

"No... women?"

"NOPE. JUST PONIES. Cool right?"

Courtney blinked. "I'm never going to party with you... ever."

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A/N: I once got a text from my older brother that said he was 'partyin' with da boizzz'. So then, this dude shows up totally wasted and stumbles into my others brothers bedroom and knocks out on his floor. The catch? This was my younger brother. He's like, 13. So I asked 'Where the hell where you last night'? I wanted to know because if anything crazy happened, I was gonna tell my dad, but then he just laughs and goes, "Man, it was like... yellow, and lame... and there were horses and shit... yeah." I mean, what an idiot! Who describes a place as yellow?


	19. all alone

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| _Jesus I've been gone forever. HAHA I KNOW I'm going to have to make up for a butt ton of lost time, randomzchicka, lol. SO GUYS I AM SO SORRY BUT JUST KNOW I AM BACK! PS I wanna give a shout out to all the people who sent me messages while I was gone, ya'll really do make my heart skip a beat! Love to all of ya! ALSO. Regarding David, he pissed in the pool before and it turned blue around him, and ALSO that D is now an A, thank you very much! :P I has math skillz_

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><p><strong><span>:::19- all alone:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney was tired of this.<p>

"Duncan, I'm tired of this."

Duncan already knew this.

"I know, Princess. I am too."

Duncan and Courtney felt abandoned.

Do you have idea what it's like to take up all of someone's time, to be a major part of their life, to suck away all of their social time for almost three years straight and then 'poof'! You no longer seem to matter?

That was how they were feeling now. "We used to be on her mind every day, now she hardly thinks about us..." Courtney sobbed into her hand.

Duncan rolled his eyes. "She's got more important things to worry about."

Courtney scoffed. "Oh, boo hoo!" She mocked. "That's what every writer says! They all say, 'I'll never stop updating,' or 'I'll always be here', and then the next day, they just leave us like we're nothing! Kick us to the back of their mind like biology homework and ex-boyfriends."

Pulling out his pocket knife, Duncan shrugged. "Maybe she's growing up."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Courtney whined. "You do know we're talking about Cereal-Killa, right? Hell yeah, like she was going to mature any time soon." The brunette rolled her eyes before blowing hair out of her face. "Got a better chance of winning the lottery on that one."

Duncan carved on a piece of wood as he looked up at Courtney sincerely. "Don't act like this is the first time this has happened... How many authors have left us just a few chapters away from living 'happily ever after', how many have dumped us right when things were starting to get good?"

"Too many to count." She sighed, looking down at her feet in sadness. "So is this... is it really the end for her?"

As Duncan opened his mouth to say something, he felt a bright light shine down on them, and his eyes widened in disbelief. A voice that was so recognizable and that had once been talking to them almost every day and night met their ears. "Duncan... Courtney... where are you? I've been looking for you everywhere, guys, I have so much I need to write, come on!..."

Courtney felt her eyes light up. Duncan smirked at her. "You ready to get back to the old grind?"

She scoffed. "Why wouldn't I be?" But she couldn't stop smiling.

She should have never doubted herself.

She was WAY more important than biology homework.

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	20. those brownies are gonna suck

**|||||You're a bit of an asshole** ||| _FUCK. Just go to my profile or something, I've explained my absence there. :p Jesus am I tired_

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><p><strong><span>:::20- those brownies are gonna suck:::<span>**

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><p>Courtney was surprised to find that Duncan apparently was pretty good in the kitchen.<p>

She had asked him if he would please make the brownies for her Beta Club meeting later that day. Courtney was a busy, busy bee, and she couldn't be bothered to take her turn in making the snack for the day, so instead she asked her boyfriend to do it.

Walking into the kitchen at his house, she sniffed the air and smiled pleasantly. "Duncan, that smells awesome!" She smiled, coming over behind him and kissing him on the cheek. "Thank you so much."

Duncan smirked, shrugging. "No problem, babe. All I have to do is cut them and put them on a plate and you're good to go."

He took a knife and began cutting, eyes widening as soon as he started. Courtney looked at him curiously. "Um, Duncan? What's wrong?"

He felt his face heat up. "Are you supposed to spray the pan before you put these in?"

A/N: MY GODDAMNED BOYFRIEND FORGOT TO PUT COOKING SPRAY IN THE FREAKING PAN. DAMMIT. Just thought I would share.

* * *

><p>||||end||||<p> 


	21. bitches be crazy

**-21- bitches be crazy-**

Courtney sighed as she stated up her old computer. She hadn't touched it in months, a thin layer of dust covering the screen.

"What's your problem?" Duncan asked, flopping down in the chair beside her and offering her a cup of warm coffee. "Thought you would be really excited about getting back on. Weren't you banned for like, a month?"

"_Two months." _Courtney hissed, logging into her old site. "And they took down four of my documents just for having the word 'shit' in the summary."

Duncan raised a brow. "Good a colorful vocabulary, don't ya, Princess?" He chuckled at the sharp glare she sent his way. "I'm pretty sure that site says something about no porn or like really smutty stuff, right? Why don't any of those stories get reported?"

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Because, Duncan." She took a long sip of her coffee. "Bitches be crazy."

* * *

><p><em>AN: Thank you to the asshole who reported me for having 'shit' in some of my summary's! You're a freaking asshole. I couldn't log on for two goddamned months and four of my stories were taken down, and the 72 total reviews I had received on those stories are lost forever and so is the original formatting. And I know it wasn't just the fucking site. It told me I'd been reported by a user._

**FUCK YOU. **

ALSO HOW AM I GOING TO GET REPORTED FOR MY SUMMARY AND THIS STORY HAVE THE WORD ASSHOLE IN THE TITLE

DAFUQ


	22. sad movies are sad

**22- sad movies are sad**

Duncan had come to terms with the fact that Courtney seemed to enjoy putting herself through horrible situations.

She was always challenging herself, trying, usually winning, and sometimes failing at the things she did in life. Courtney was a woman of action, and she understood that you weren't really living if you didn't come out the other side with a few (or many) bruises. She had sat through countless lectures by college professors, she plucked her eyebrows every morning and tried her best not to shed a tear, and she had agreed to go out with Duncan.

Yes, Courtney quite enjoyed torture.

Still, it didn't make much sense why she enjoyed _emotional _torture.

Courtney had been on a movie kick for years now, though her taste in movies varied by the week. Thank god she had gotten over that romantic comedy stage, although Duncan did quite miss the Hitchcock binge she had been on.

But now, Courtney was stuck on sad movies, this one in particular being _The Shawshank Redemption. _

Duncan had never seen so many tissues go to waste like that.

"He's just such a good person, and they t-threw him in jail, a-and-" she sniffed, crying intensely, "-it just makes me s-so sad, because t-that could be y-you getting raped in the butt, Duncan!"

Duncan sank down in the couch cushion, trying to keep the mortification from seeping in.

Like he said. Torture.

A/N: OMG dear lord I'm sorry that movie is so ugh just gosh idon'teven. also on another note did you know it takes 20 hours to get to florida from where i live? D: I SURE DIDN'T


	23. reality check

**-23- reality check-**

It had been a long day at the office, yet, here she was.

Courtney could not believe that she was really spending her afternoon off of work in such an idiotic way. It's not like she had anything better to do, but you'd think she'd be able to find something else than watching reruns of South Park with Duncan.

"This is completely unrealistic. Kenny has died a billion times." She muttered, sprawling out on the couch in boredom. She continued to pick the old finger nail polish off of her nails, giving the television an uninterested look as she sighed for what felt like the millionth time that day. "I mean, it would be one thing if they actually explained how he came back to life, but no, they just make him reappear each episode and for some reason, no one ever notices that he's back! And only two people ever notice that he dies, what the fuck?"

Duncan rolled his eyes at her. "It's a cartoon, Princess." He ate a couple more cheeto's and gave her a pointed look. "They aren't supposed to be realistic."

"Whatever, this is just stupid." Grumbling, she stole his chip bag and downed a few in silent frustration.

Duncan shrugged. "Haven't you ever wonder what it's like to be a cartoon?" He asked, watching the small characters on his TV continue to verbally abuse each other. "I mean, wouldn't it be weird? To have people watching you simply for their entertainment?"

Courtney arched a brow. "We were on a reality show, Duncan... people did watch us just for their entertainment."

"Oh right..." he said, but then snapped his fingers, "But what if we were in a cartoon about people that were on a reality show? Like, we weren't even real, or something?" His eyes widened. "Wouldn't THAT be weird?"

Courtney rolled her eyes. "Yeah right, Duncan, like we could ever be in a cartoon. This is real life, pig."

"If you say so..." Duncan said, looking down at his cheese puff stained hands in wonder, "If you say so..."

A/N:

LONG AUTHORS NOTE TIME!

So, I've been gone for awhile, I know! *smiles sheepishly* But I'm going to try and get back on my feet. Try being the key word :)

You may have noticed from my authors notes in other stories that I had been sort of worried about my dad's health and that he was getting a bit sick as well as mentally ill. Unfortunately he couldn't keep up the fight and he did pass away about two months back. It sort of knocked me down a few notches and honestly I didn't have the will to continue writing for a while. The good thing is that I had the chance to spend his last few weeks with him and the rest of family and that every single one of my sibling showed up to help out. Me and my brother Dave just recently moved in with my older brother and all my younger siblings moved in with my aunt and uncle, so now I'm settled down and fine! :)

Mostly I'm just very happy to be out of my rut and back in the real world (yes, I mean the internet haha) where I belong! The only down side is that I don't have working wi-fi at the apartment so I have to go to the local McDonald's to post (lol ghetto I know)

I have many other things to say but this authors note is getting ridiculously long so I'm going to go a try to finish off some other chapters of things I haven't touched in awhile!

Love you, duckies -Cereal


	24. lock it

**-24- lock it-**

* * *

><p>"What? What did I do?"<p>

No, really, Courtney was legitimately confused.

All she had done was touched Duncan's class ring, and now he was looking at her like she had fifty chins or something. Literally, all she had done was toyed with it on his finger, which she had believed was accepted in relationships now a days, but she guessed she was wrong.

Like, really, Duncan had no right to look at her like she was some sort of deformed walrus and unicorn love child.

"You turned my ring."

"So?" She inquired, not seeing the significance.

"You're the twenty-fifth person to turn my class ring... that means you're the one who locked it and you get good luck." Duncan said, as if this was obvious. He smiled sweetly at her, lovingly almost. "Haven't you ever heard of that myth?"

Courtney smiled back. "That is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard in my entire life, you ignorant swine."

* * *

><p>an: really though that is so damn stupid i just stared at the balfor ring lady like you are dumb as shit


	25. epic melodramatic isle

**-25: epic melodramatic isle-**

Duncan knew it would be trouble as soon as it started. Courtney always did things like this; she would find something new that she liked, get a little into it, and then get a lot into it. She was just one of those people who was easily obsessed with things. She got obsessed with TV shows, books, and the like, and would sometimes even- dear Lord- read and write **fanfiction** about such things. _Blegh_.

Which was why he knew it would be bad to start watching Epic Melodramatic Isle.

"What the hell? How do people even like this garbage?!" Duncan groaned.

"No, it's great Duncan! Listen- it's a cartoon about a reality show!" She grinned at him. "Pretty crazy, huh?!"

"Yeah, really badass right there, Princess." She failed to recognize his sarcasm, instead continuing to fawn over the- obviously very low budget- cartoon.

Also, get this- the cartoon wasn't even made in Canada. It was made in America- like WTF, who watches American cartoons? So stupid.

"My favorite characters are Cassie and Dumplin'. They really have great chemistry, with the whole 'love-hate' thing, yanno?"

"Who the hell names a character Dumplin'?" Duncan mutters. "And anyway, Dumplin' is your stereotypical poser bad boy with a heart of gold and Cassie is a regular goody two shoes with some weird kink for doing bad shit."

Courtney nods, tapping her chin. "They actually sounds really familar..."

Duncan snorts, rolling his eyes. "Yeah, whatever babe. You can't actually relate with a cartoon, idiot."

-end-


	26. such a big deal

**-26: such a big deal-**

* * *

><p>Courtney is supremely surprised. She honestly doesn't know how to respond to this situation.<p>

"So you're telling me..." Courtney said, looking at Duncan with wide, open eyes, "That you scored a 36 on your ACT?"

Duncan shrugged. "I don't see what the big deal is, sweet cheeks."

She spluttered, spazzing out in a way that Duncan had literally become numb to with time. "'The big deal'? _The big deal?! __**THE BIG DEAL **_is that you are a fucking genius, Duncan!"

He rolled his eyes. "Not really. Still don't know how many planets there are." She stared at him. "There are like, four, aren't there?"

She sighed in frustration. "I just don't understand how you did it!" She complained. "I took it five times, and could never get higher than 25!" Courtney grabbed onto her hair, massaging her head roughly, angry at herself. "Such a bad score, such a bad score..."

Duncan snorted. "If that's your definition of bad, you're an idiot." He threw an arm around her shoulders, smirking at her. "Besides, it's not about smarts; it's about technique. It you understand how to take tests, you'll get a 36 each time, no biggie."

"Fuck you," She said, and he chuckled. Some things just couldn't be taught.

* * *

><p>-end-<p>

* * *

><p>AN: I got a 36 on the act if you add the writing (which I got 12 out of 12 on, suck itttt), without I got a 32- and I gotta say, I think if I retook it, I could get a better grade without the writing. I'm also not smart either lol I have a 3.7 which I fight to maintain haha. Like, it literally is just based on test taking skills, nothing more. If you score bad, you're not stupid, you just need to practice test taking technique. Take it again, bet you score way better ;)


	27. online funtime friends

**-27: online funtime friends-**

* * *

><p>"Duncan," Courtney said quietly, watching his back from where she sat on the couch. "Are you okay over there?"<p>

Said boyfriend was, at the moment, gazing a little too deeply into the computer screen. She could see the illuminations bouncing off his prominent cheekbones, his fingers clacking away at break neck speed against a clattering keyboard.

"Mmm," he said, and Courtney realized he wasn't listening to her at all.

"Duncan, I think it's time to get off the computer-"

She flinched as he snapped his neck turning around to look at her, teeth bared, snarl curling his lips in toward his sharp canines. "Princess, don't fucking play around with me."

Her eyes widened. "This is border-line obsessive behavior, Duncan. I know you have online funtime friends, but-"

Duncan rolled his eyes. "Online funtime friends?! I can't even... What is air..."

"What the hell are you talking about?" She asked, raising a brow.

The pierced teen scoffed, turning back to his blog. "Courtney, you are being even worse than the tumblr app for android right now."

* * *

><p>-end-<p>

* * *

><p><em>p.s.-that app is such shit i just can't<em>


	28. i mean cleaning does suck

**-28: i mean cleaning does suck-**

Duncan really didn't like cleaning his room.

I mean, who did, really? Of course, the vague sense of accomplishment you get when you're finished is nice, and so is the ability to take a step on actually carpet instead of clothes or empty chip bags. But other than that, is the process rewarding? Is the process _fun_?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

But Duncan REALLY didn't like cleaning his room. So much so that his parents eventually gave up on his cleaning skills all together. They let him do whatever he wanted, so it was no surprise that after only two months of living with Courtney, disaster would strike.

Courtney's blood curdling scream had caused Duncan to jump, making him hit his head on the bathroom counter where he had previously been laying his noggin as he slept soundly on the toilet. He pulled his pants up and looked at the sink before scoffing at it, as though even the notion of taking his precious time to do something as trivial as wash his hands was utterly beyond him.

His girlfriend was standing in the middle of the living room on the only carpet space currently available. Clothes littered the floor; she made a disgusted noise one normally reserved for fecal matter as she avoided a plate of week-old pizza rolls before skipping over the mess to shove a finger in Duncan's face.

"I'm gone for two weeks and-" her arms flailed wildly as she gestured to the mess around her- "This is what I come home to?!"

Duncan shrugged. He leaned down to the pizza rolls and popped one in his mouth. She turned green. "Oh my god, you are the most repulsive thing on the planet, I swear," she muttered as she dashed for the bathroom.


	29. petty petty people

**-29: petty petty people-**

* * *

><p>"Princess, people on the internet are idiots! Just saying!"<p>

"Duncan, are you still on tumblr?"

"No, some forum. People are acting like little jackasses!"

"I don't care, Duncan. Please, let me eat my yogurt and watch Kim get mad at Khloe and her mom since they TP'd her house before Kanye came over."

"I had to deal with a real asshole a little while ago who got offended at a harmless joke someone told."

"I really don't remember asking you to tell me a story, Duncan."

"Like, literally the joke was '_My friend was a cancer, kind of ironic how he died... he was crushed by a giant crab._' I'm pretty sure that joke is as old as the freaking stone age, but still, someone was like 'That's a bit rude, my mother is suffering from cancer, you shouldn't say that.'"

"Huh. They shouldn't have taken it personally, but I guess I see where they're coming from. Are you done now, Duncan-"

"Exactly! And when I tried to explain that they shouldn't take personal offense and even empathized with why they thought the joke was offensive BECAUSE OH, I DON'T KNOW, MY MOM DIED FROM CANCER?!, they automatically said I pinned them as the bad guy. Then they were like 'I'm gonna be the adult and leave this conversation'."

"That sounds pretty middle school of them. Don't only people under the age of twelve use that phrase anymore? Now, I've listened to your story, Duncan, can you please hush, now-"

"AND UM, JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS- If you have to point out that you're the adult one, you obviously aren't; real adults simply wouldn't have responded. It's like, third grade knowledge that if you don't have anything nice to say, keep your fucking mouth shut, loser. Some people are just petty little shits who get off on bringing other people down."

"Duncan."

"Yeah, Princess?!"

"If you don't let me finish this episode and I don't get to keep up with the Kardashians, I will rip your balls off, fry them in pancake batter, and feed them to you."

"Roger that."

* * *

><p>AN: Yeah, this happened to me recently on a forum, and I just through I'd rant about it through Duncan. Some people are literally the pettiest, I swear. Forgetting that, I hope you guys are going well, my lovelies. Sometimes I get so blind-sided by the ignorant part of the internet that I forget about the ridiculously beautiful part that is most of this fandom. ^^ Love, Cereal


	30. throwback

**-30: throwback!-**

* * *

><p><strong>THIS WAS WRITTEN IN THE YEAR 2008... I WAS 11 YEARS OLD. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS. XD I posted this on quizzila and I thought you guys would get a laugh out it. It's not anywhere near Christmas but this shit is hilariously horrible no matter what season so enjoy~<strong>

* * *

><p>I was so mad right now.<p>

"Duncan! You just poured eggnog all over my face!" I wiped the thick crappy stuff off me, and yelled directly in his face, "You know I hate eggnog!"

Duncan laughed. "Oh come on Princess, I thought you loved Christmas!" He put his finger on my forehead and licked his finger. "You taste really good now. Be happy, babe. It's the holidays."

"I did love Christmas!" I said. "Until you came!" I stormed into the bathroom, shutting myself inside. I had to think.

I heard Gwen and LaShawnna talking. "Do you think she's alright in there?"

"Yeah, but girlfriends pretty peeved right now. Duncan, I think you went a little too far."

I heard Duncan sigh. "But she really did taste good!"

I opened the door and ran up to my room. I couldn't take this anymore.

"Courtney!" I heard him yell. I ignored it. Last thing I wanted to see right now was his face.

"Man…" Duncan said right before I shut the door. I looked back at his puppy dog face, and almost said that he was forgiven. But then I realized something. I was always forgiving him. I didn't want to anymore. I wasn't sure if I could give that green Mohawk another chance.

I slammed the door and ran over to the computer. Checking my face book, I was willing to do anything to get him off my mind. I check my messages. 26 from Duncan.

"Ahh!" I yelled, even more frustrated now. "I wish he would just leave me alone!"

I opened up my window, and then saw that Duncan's car was gone. "Good riddance." I whispered under my breath, although I felt as if the wind had been kicked out of me. Looks like he had given up too.

I finally walked back downstairs.

But not everyone was there. Gwen was gone. And a new face sat in her place- Heather.

"Heather?!" I said in disgust. "When did you get here?! Why are you here?! Where are Duncan and Gwen?"

Bridgette came up to me. But, this… this wasn't Bridgette. This was a girl with her hair down and wearing a green halter top, with short shorts on. She looked like Heather in a way. "Uh, since when do you hang out with them? I mean Duncan's okay, but Gwen? I mean, totally icky!" She had the blonde accent down to an 'E'.

"Bridgette?" I said shocked. This wasn't her. But her green eyes were still there, just the same. It was her. "What happened to you?"

"What do you mean silly?" She laughed and played with her hair playfully.

"What is going on?" I said, feeling faint.

"You okay Miss?" A black girl with glasses and a suit on walked up to me.

"LaShawnna?" No. LaShawnna was a ghetto girl from the projects. I loved her like that. She always made me laugh whenever she would get all mad and flip out on people.

"I prefer to be called Miss Hutchins, and we need to get this lawsuit in order." She flipped open a brief case.

"Against what?" I know I did lawsuits quite often, but I didn't remember what this was for, and I certainly didn't remember hiring LaShawnna for the job.

She sighed roughly. "Miss, you wanted to put a lawsuit on this young teen, Miss Gwendolyn Ronaldson, for breaking your window countless number of times." She put up a picture of Gwen smashing a hammer into my house.

"What? Gwen?" Unbelievable. "I don't believe it! Gwen would never do anything like that!"

"Oh yes she would!" laughed a voice from across the room. Trent sat there, looking like a business man. "I should know. She stole some money from my bank about, 200 times." He laughed again. "So I wouldn't deny it if someone told she smashed a window."

Then Heather, sitting beside him in an apron, said, "That's true honey, that's true!" And then her and Trent- Eww! They kissed!

I felt like puking right there. I ran back up to my room.

"Miss Courtney!" I heard LaShawnna shout. "We have to finish this lawsuit today!"

I ignored her. I had to think.

Okay, so how could this happen?

What had occurred once I left the room?

_I slammed the door and ran over to the computer. Checking my face book, I was willing to do anything to get him off my mind. I check my messages. 26 from Duncan. _

"_Ahh!" I yelled, even more frustrated now. "I wish he would just leave me alone!"_

_I opened up my window, and then saw that Duncan's car was gone. "Good riddance." I whispered under my breath, although I felt as if the wind had been kicked out of me. Looks like he had given up too._

_I finally walked back downstairs._

Okay, so I had wished he would leave me alone. Crap. How many times had I seen a it's a wonderful life? I had to be living it right now.

Now, there was one question: Where is Duncan?

I went back downstairs.

"Where is Duncan?" I demanded.

They all stared.

Finally someone spoke up. "You mean that kid who used to go to our school?"

I was taking any chance I got. "Yes, um him!"

Bridgette happily jumped in front of my face. "West of Hill Way Street. Been there for years, never really goes anywhere else."

I rushed out the front door.

I heard Bridgette yell out, "Where you going Courtney? I thought we were going to go on our date with Justin!"

I turned. "What?"

She yelled from down the street. "Remember? Were sharing him now!"

I sighed. "You can have him!" And then I ran toward Hill Way.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH!" I heard Bridgette scream contently.

Man, was my life without Duncan screwed up.

I went west of Hill Way, but there were no houses there. Just a dark, empty street.

Then I saw him.

"Duncan?" I looked into the darkness. The street light was my only way of knowing it was him.

"Huh?" He rose from the darkness. His Mohawk was messed up and rangy, and he was wearing a black leather jacket there was very beat up. His piercings still the same, except there one was missing from his right ear. "I know you. Who are you, and are you going to turn me into the cops?!" He snarled.

"No." I said venerably. "Yes, you do know me, I went to your school. My name is Courtney, and I won't turn you into the cops." I lifted my head. "I love you Duncan. Don't you remember?"

His blue eyes looked confused, and he cocked his head to the side. "I don't know what you're talking about Courtney."

"Don't call me that!" I yelled. I put my hands on his shoulders. "Call me Princess, like you always do! And… and pour eggnog on me, and be all sarcastic and funny, and, and ask me if I want to make-out and always talk about me and my uptight butt, and say you're a badass when you're really a sweet guy, and … Be Duncan!" I yelled so hard I started to cry.

He stared at me. "I'm sorry, but you're crazy."

I fell down to the ground. "Duncan…"

He ran off. He looked behind, he's blue eyes filled with fear.

I cried myself to sleep, my onyx eyes filled with tears.

"Princess." I heard someone whisper in my ear. "Wake-up. It's Christmas."

I opened my eyes and yelled. "Duncan!?" I jumped off the bed in joy. "It's you! You're not all mess up and wearing a leather jacket, and you aren't afraid of me! You're you! I love you!"

"What?" He asked.

I crashed my lips into his, and, being Duncan, he said, "Well, Merry Christmas to me!"

I stopped for a second. "Are they here?"

"Who?"

"Our friends silly!"

He stared at me. "Yes, they're downstairs."

"Yay!" I ran down to see Bridgette, LaShawnna, Gwen, Trent, and a few other people, looking totally normal.

"You guys! I love you guys! Merry Christmas!"

I looked at Bridgette. "You're not stupid!" She frowned, but then laughed a little.

I smiled at LaShawnna. "You're not a Lawyer!"

LaShawnna laughed. "I don't intend on being one either."

"You're not in jail!" I shouted to Gwen.

Gwen laughed and yelled, "Woo-hoo!"

Then to Trent. "You're not going out with Heather!"

Trent laughed and hugged me. "Lucky me!"

Duncan came downstairs then, and said, "Okay, now that your spasm is over, who wants to open presents?"

When I finally got to the present that Duncan had gotten for me, he said, "Don't shake it. Fragile."

I opened the box carefully, and laughed uncontrollably when a puppy came and licked me in the face. "Awe, Duncan he's so cute! Thank you!"

"It's all because I love you Princess." He kissed me on the cheek, and then I blushed a bit.

I sighed. "Have I ever told you how much I love it when you call me that?"

He laughed. "Not really."

"Well I do."

_More than you think. Way more._

* * *

><p><strong>WHAT THE ACTUALY FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ELEVEN YEAR OLD ME THIS MAKEs ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE<strong>


End file.
